Allure of Femme

She glides into a crowded room. The energy of the room seems to shift imperceptibly. A head turns here, a conversation stops there; the temperature seems to rise just a bit. You can't help but notice her. There is something quietly commanding and alluring about her.

We've all had experiences like this. You've just encountered that intangible effect called the Femme allure. It's the Femme Factor, baby!

There is a mysterious power to certain women - certain Femmes. They defy the law of physics as they raise or lower environmental temperature by their mere presence. They confound physiology by breaking and healing hearts with a single glance. They inspire super human acts in those touched by them. Poets call them muses and succubae. Some religions have damned them as witches or honored them as magical. Hollywood of old called them Femme Fatales. Some call them sexy, others call them wicked.

So what is this Femme allure?

You know her when you see her: Dietrich, Becall, Hepburn, Monroe, Madonna, Cleopatra, Mata Hari, Scheherazade, Lady Murasaki, Mary Magdalene, Madame DuBarry and so many more.

The Femme is an icon, a fetishized idol, taking on powers beyond her flesh-and-blood self.

The advertising and cosmetic industry has tried to package it for generations. Lipstick and perfume come in colors called Fatale, Vixen and Glam. Although no lipstick alone can make a woman a femme fatale, a vixen or a glamour queen… Women have alternately been encouraged and cautioned against fostering those very traits within ourselves. Churches tell us it's immoral. Some old-school feminists tell women the allure is sublimated misogyny and thus demeaning. Still the women's magazines and how-to guides try to reduce it to an easily replicable formula. Remember that mid-century advice about meeting one's husband at the door wrapped in cling wrap with a martini in hand? It was supposed to keep the man's attention riveted to the wife through the prescribed creation of the dangerous siren in every Doris Day.

But formulaic advice is not enough. (Not surprisingly, cling wrap has not provided decreased divorce rates in the last few decades.) The mystery still remains as to what Femme potency is. Today, more and more women seem to seek to achieve it and look towards less conventional sources to teach them how to find power and allure in their Femme selves. At the turn of this century SM and kinky sex is the most fashionably edgy source for such information. The sexually dominant woman, as represented in SM imagery has become the current embodiment of the Femme Fatale. Unfortunately they often mistake the frills of feminine attraction for the essence of Femme power. They look for some simple explanation and paint-by-number instructions on being the empowered 'dominatrix.'

Thus, it's no surprise that every single time I teach my "Art of Feminine Dominance" anywhere in the country it's sold out. Many women attending may initially come with the idea of learning how to dominate their partners, seeking some series of techniques that will turn them instantly into confident tigresses in the bedroom. They may come seeking the panacea of kink to improve their sex lives, but soon realize that what they have been searching for is how to build the foundation towards actualizing their inner feminine power. There's a half a second of disappointment that my class does not show them how to whip, how to bind, just the right words to say to bring him to his knees. I don't do any of these. (And anyway, these are each covered more thoroughly in topic dedicated classes from many qualified sources.)

The heart of feminine potency is simple, but far from easy or formulaic. It's about confidence.

It's in a woman's confidence to know that she is a sexual being, fully deserving of pleasure and joy. In turn it's the confidence to ask without bitterness or fear for the pleasures she rightfully deserves. It's the confidence to know that she is an artful culmination of natural beauty and consciously cultivated grace. She has the confidence to know where her boundaries are and know when to change them. She knows with confidence that her weaknesses and vulnerabilities are simply elements of her totality as a powerful Femme. She embraces her vulnerabilities. They become a gift shared with those closest to her. They become the shadow that makes her fire seem to burn brighter. She is confident and knows the effect that she has on others. The alluring Femme knows that she can touch a lover's heart and soul to find strength where there was only despair. She also knows that she can destroy that very same heart and soul beyond repair. Her fire can warm the hearth as well as burn the forest down. This knowledge is the first step towards harnessing the Femme power. Those who harness it rarely seem to destroy wantonly. Those who have not acknowledged their effects leave a trail of wounded hearts and destroyed lovers.

No step-by-step instructional on female domination can teach the confidence that leads to the uniquely sexy allure of the Femme. No amount of classes on flogging and bondage techniques can create the powerful Femme. No collection of leather, corsetry, latex, boots or other fetish accessories will make a woman sexually self-actualized. These skills and adornments can serve to enhance what is already there, sometimes innately, sometimes there through lots of self-work. The accessories may peripherally help her towards greater confidence as a symbolic scepter. The strong foundation of confidence necessary to actualize the alluring Femme can only come from within her by her own efforts. Only after building for herself a strong foundation of Femme power identity and confidence can sexual dominance and Femme allure be truly effective. As I said before, the essence of Femme allure is simple, but certainly not easy to come by.

Fortunately for her, her efforts can be guided and trained quite successfully. Teachers and guides are everywhere. These are women who have struggled themselves to find their voice and power. These guides will not give a woman the formula to become the perfect dominant in the bedroom. They can, however, lead her to find her own power. They can help her from making the same mistakes they've made. This is what my teachers have done for me. I owe it to my teachers to pass on their efforts.

The aspiring power Femme will need to re-evaluate her concept of feminine power. What does she value in her own femininity? What does she feel is expected of her by her lover, her community and society at large, that in the end she can let go? What's hype and what's substance? What are her powers?

You'll find a guided exercise leading to better understanding of ones own feminine power identity in the essay "Mirror, Mirror…."