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Firehorse
Productions, Inc. and Midori's Newsletter
June 17, 2003
Table
of contents
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Dear
Readers,
Greetings! It sure is nice to be back home after nearly a month
on the road. I love traveling and teaching. . . and also love seeing
that beautiful Golden Gate Bridge as I return to my beloved hometown,
Babylon by the Bay.
Speaking of Babylon, I wanted to share with you a recent essay that
appeared in my regular column, Babylon Bound, for Spectator
Magazine.
Spectator is the Bay Area's weekly newspaper on all things sexual.
It is still in draft form, so please, be kind with the red-pen.
. .
As an aside, I'm thinking of creating a self-published small press
run on a collection of my SM/kink related essays, especially those
addressing the more advanced or psychological issues.
Would you be interested? Please, let me know, as I'd only do it
if you, my readers, want it.
Hmmm, guess I'll need to find some good self-publishing resources
and someone who enjoys text editing.
Any info or suggestion much appreciated.
My direct e-mail: Midori@FHP-inc.com
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Column Title: "Babylon Bound" for Spectator magazine
By Line: Fetish Diva Midori
Copyright: (c) 2003 Midori
Working Title: Aftercare - Healing Better to Play Harder
In my travels I've noticed a trend towards more intense play in
the SM/Leather community. This isn't surprising as the transmission
of knowledge is more geometric in growth rather and linear.
Greater number of people are becoming more skilled technically and
better informed about SM. Leather community conferences, classes,
books and the internet have all added to this. This is neither good
nor bad. It simply is.
As we play harder than ever before, are we recovering, healing and
growing better than before? As we seek greater adventures in kinky
play, do we remember that the potential jarring to the body, mind
and heart may be deeper than before? Are we paying attention to
what happens after the scene, not just how to create technically
proficient scenes? Are we minding our aftercare as well as we should?
I realize that aftercare isn't as sexy a topic as say, double handed
flogging, Master/slave protocols, suspension bondage, etc. Thus
we don't see it in great frequencies at the educational series or
discussed with depth. We know we need it, but we don't dwell on
it. We treat it like flossing our teeth. "Yes, yes, we know..."
Unfortunately the reality is that the presence or absence, timing,
quality and sincerity of aftercare can make the difference between
a fantastic scene and a miserable experience. It's as necessary
as air or water; similarly vital, yet taken for granted until it
goes missing or quality is degraded.
There are several different varieties of aftercare.
At the most basic is the human courtesy to acknowledge the end of
the scene and the other's contribution to both of your experiences.
Suddenly halting a scene without cool down or mutual sense of closure
can feel as jarring as getting rear-ended while cruising along the
freeway at 70mph. Whatever wonderful experience you may have been
having is now wrecked.
Regardless of the mid-scene pleasure of the experience, the other
person is uncertain as to the reason for the ending and may come
to blame the self or resent the other. You wouldn't have sex with
a person, cum and just leave without saying anything, would you?
Just because a person is a submissive, a masochist, a sadist or
a dominant doesn't mean they don't respond as any other person would
to moments of intense intimacy.
Another basic level of after care is the physical recovery. This
is when we put Humpty Dumpty together again. This is the phase that
most people refer to as Aftercare. If there are cuts clean them
and cover them. If the body is cold, hungry or hurt, fix it. Most
people know enough to stay with the person long enough to make certain
that they are able to operate heavy machinery, i.e. their car. This
is all common sense stuff. Other than specific first aid and possible
medical information not much is needed to figure out thus far.
The harder stuff happens after this. We in the leather community
often talk about a "check-in call" the next day. Why is
this needed and what is accomplished in this? What really needs
to take place in this conversation? How best should the check-in
call be conducted? Well, since I'm not one legislate behavior, I'll
simply bring up some thoughts and ideas on this.
It's quite common with kinky play, whether it's physically or emotionally
intense for a person, that there's a huge adrenaline rush and shift
of neural chemicals of various sorts during play. (Well, actually,
I hope this happens most of the time for you. After all, the adrenaline
goes hand in hand with pleasure.) As the scene closes and we "return
to earth," the level of adrenaline, endorphins, seratonin and
other yummy body chemicals comes down.
Sometimes it's a nice slow easing off from a state of ecstatic pleasure,
leaving us in a place of soft contentment. Sometimes the shift of
levels is fast and sudden enough to leave a person's body and mind
in a state much like a miniature version of shock. In theory, if
this can happen during the basic, post-scene physical care and maintenance
level of aftercare, then it's all groovy. We
can take care of the mini-shock right along with the scrapes and
bruises.
Unfortunately,
people are not theoretical. When and how we come down from the "high"
of flying in a wonderful scene is not entirely predictable. The
more experienced players have enough personal data to know their
general patterns, but there's always room for surprises. Sometimes
we are moved deeper and fly higher than either party expected. So,
it's not uncommon that we experience a "drop" the next
day, or for that matter, several days after the scene.
This may leave us in various states of emotional dishevelment. Here
are some feelings that may arise after personally or physically
significant scene experiences: Anxiety, moodiness, agitation, anger,
lethargy, loneliness, fatigue, disorientation, indecisiveness, etc.
etc. Needless to say, this is not a fun place to be in.
A check-in call gives a chance for the players to connect after
bit of time has passed for the emotions to process, or at least
begin to sort itself out, after a scene. It may be that both parties
are perfectly fine and they had a nice "soft landing"
without feelings getting stirred up. If that's the case, then great!
Then the check-in call can serve as way to thank the other for the
shared pleasure, compliment and express one's pleasure with the
experience. If it's considered polite to do so for dinner invitations,
it's certainly polite for after such intimate invitations as SM
play. If all is good, you may also use this call to set up a potential
follow-up date.
If one or both person were feeling the drop from a scene, however,
the check-in call becomes more important. Sometimes, simply reassurance,
gratitude and validation from the other person may relieve the post
scene blues. We all seek validation, affection and a sense of worth.
The body chemical drop may amplify the profound vulnerability created
in play, carrying it over to the next day. The emotional nakedness
that the person experienced may leave them anxious about potentially
being judged negatively, or worse, of being rejected. These concerns
are often soothed by the conscientious play-partner in the check-in
call. The conversation also gives the caller more insight into the
psychological structure of the other person, critical pieces of
information for creating a hotter scene or safer experiences with
them in the future.
What if we have the check-in call and need to say things that aren't
all positive? What if something bad happened in the scene and you're
not happy or feel somehow endangered or mistreated? What if you
felt that it wasn't what you wanted after all? What if you have
to listen to a negative post scene conversation? It happens. We
need to get tools to deal with this.
First of all, we're all adults. Whether or not the scene went well,
both people entered into it with consent. If one felt that they
had no power to consent to entering into the scene, then this is
no longer SM. It just might be called abuse. Since both have consented,
both have accepted responsibilities. If a scene didn't work out,
before you complain or blame, you have to take inventory. Where
did it go wrong? Who shares how in the responsibility. Were the
communications clear enough? Did the two of you mean the same thing
with the terms used?
Some questions you might want to ask your self before going into
discussing the scene that didn't work...
- What
am I feeling?
- When
did that feeling start?
-
Did I assess my needs, wants and limits clearly before playing?
- Did
I communicate my needs, wants and limits clearly before playing?
- When
things go wrong, did I communicate that to the other once I realized
it?
- Was
the bad thing that happened part of what I considered acceptable
risk in this scene?
- Was
my appetite greater than my ability to fulfill it?
-
What was my intent in the scene?
-
What was the other person's intent in the scene?
- How
big of a deal is this negative experience relative to the whole
scene and / or relationship to the person?
- What
further care do I need to feel whole or complete again?
- Did
I communicate my aftercare needs to my partner before the scene?
Remember
to talk about how you are feeling. Don't make blame statements.
Speak with compassion remembering that it's very difficult for the
other to feel judged or criticized. What ever you do, don't hold
in the negative feelings and resent them in silence. It's not fair
to the other person or yourself if you deny the chance to clear
the air and gain better understanding. It's also very childish.
Have you noticed that I've been avoiding the use of the terms top,
bottom, dominant or submissive so far? One would think that after
care is for the bottoms and submissives, but it's also for the tops,
sadists and dominants. Tops go through similarly intense changes
in their body chemistry, leading to the potential shock-like emotional
and physical crashes. Beyond the fundamental physiological concerns,
most often the top has their sense of self-wrapped up in the scene
as much as the bottom does.
In the act of sadism or dominance the top has exposed their desires
and hungers that aren't necessarily socially acceptable. We've been
taught not to hit those we love. Now we do it for fun. It can take
a bit of mental contortions to reconcile the cognitive dissonance
with this. Many tops want to know that they are still loved and
desired after exposing their darker desires to the other. Their
pride as a technician and lover may also be involved in this. The
top wants validation that they were a "good top." Telling
a top that "Your flogging sucks" just might crush them.
Even if they look pissed off, they're actually hurt.
You
might not get another date or you may have stunted their growth
as a top with such a statement. Instead you might want to say: "Thanks
for flogging me! I think maybe that flogger's a bit too much for
our scenes. Let's go shopping for a new flogger just for us."
(Then you go and get a good practice flogger that they can't damage
you if they tried.)
Not all aftercare can happen with the person you played with. It
may not be possible or it may not be desirable. If you hooked up
with someone at a bar and played in the back alley or a sex/SM club,
you may not have their contact info. You may not want to actually
even know their name. You may have hired a professional dominant
but you don't want to aftercare with them. You may be a professional
dominant and can't contact your client for aftercare or you may
find that's beyond the professional relationship the two of you
set up.
Maybe
you didn't realize you needed after care until well after the partner
was reachable or reasonably available. If you need aftercare, you
need aftercare, but it doesn't have to be with the person you played
with. This is one of the many reasons why it's important to have
folks in your life that you can talk about your kinky life with.
You have to figure out how much aftercare you can reasonably ask
from that third party caregiver. Sometimes the care needed may be
deep enough to consider a therapist or other professional listener/healer/consoler.
Some issues that can come up with play may be simply beyond the
capability of your play partner or third party friend.
Maybe
you engaged in intense play as a performance or commercial exchange.
You might do live SM shows on the Web, you might be shooting a SM
porno video, you might be doing a show on a fetish event stage.
Is there a responsibility for aftercare in such a situation? If
so, where does it lie?
A producer
has certain expectations of professionalism of the performer. Yet
they are dealing with human beings in very intense situations. Even
the military has built in means for post-combat emotional care.
At a strictly Machiavellian level, isn't it in the best interest
of the commercial producer to clean up the state of mind of the
performer as they would clean up the video footage and equipment
afterwards. Or is it? I'd love to hear your thoughts on this.
Drop
me a line at my new discussion group (free) on my rope bondage site
BeautyBound.com
or my yahoo
group if you want to vent, rant or share on this or any other
kink/sex topic.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
UPCOMING
TEACHING & APPEARANCE SCHEDULE
(Help spread the word. . . Feel free to pass the schedule on to
other lists and individuals!)
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
New Orleans
Sat. 6/21
Class: Japanese Rope Bondage
NOBLE
Presents: Jay Wiseman / Fetish Diva Midori
Rope Bondage Seminars and Workshops
Co-Sponsored by SABLE
$25 members at the door (Members of co-sponsoring groups receive
the member price.)
$30 associate members and non-members at the door
Price includes both seminars, workshops, BBQ lunch and play party.
Pre Purchase Tickets are available at Rings of Desire, 1128 Decatur
Street, New Orleans
LA or send an email to education@la-noble.org
with "Wiseman / Midori Tickets" as the subject.
When purchasing tickets at Rings of Desire, you will need to show
your membership card to receive the member price. SABLE members
can purchase tickets from Robert or jo anne.
Program Information:
Noon-2pm : Jay Wiseman presents "Rope Bondage You Can Actually
Use"
2pm-3pm : BBQ Lunch
3pm-5pm : Fetish Diva Midori presents "Shibari: Intro to Erotic
Japanese Rope Bondage"
5:30pm-7pm : Bondage Workshop
9pm : Play Party
*Kinky Shopping! (Warning: shameless plug!) Midroi's Books, CD,
Pre-treated & ready to use Japanese Hemp bondage rope, Portable
Suspension Bondage Frame
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
SAN FRANCISCO
Thursday July 3, 7:30pm to 10pm
CLASS: Playing with Fire, Dripping in Wax; A Hands-on Workshop
at Madame S,
Sponsored by Midori and Madame S
Kick off the Fourth of July weekend with some Fireworks of your
own!
Join our special guest presenter, Peggy, aka O for a hot night at
Madame S.
This workshop will be a hands-on workshop on more advanced techniques
for fire and wax, both alone and in combination. Learn how to make
fire sticks, how to use wax as a base for fire play, alternate methods
for applying wax how to use a variety of fire techniques and how
to bring all of them together for a successful scene.
All supplies provided. As this is hands-on, people will be partnered
up and will be switching off. People who are unwilling to switch
for the purposes of this class should bring their own top or bottom
to pair up with.
Pre-registration is encouraged. You can pre-register via PayPal
using the e-mail midori@fhp-inc.com.
Make sure to mention the class title: "Fire & Wax"
Class size limited to 25.
Selected
items on sale at special discounts during the class
Location: Madame S' Lair located above Madame S at 321 7th Street,
just before Folsom in San Francisco
Admission: $25 Pre-registration encouraged. See above.
Tel: 415 863-9447
Presenter: Peggy aka O has been in the lifestyle
for about 9 years. She identifies as a bisexual switch with a masochistic
bottom side and a sadistic top side. She currently lives in South
Florida where she founded Dykes 'n Dolls, a women's SM organization.
She has presented at Thunder in the Mountains, Black Rose, TES 2000,
TES 30, TES Fest and GMSMA Leatherfest. She was New York Leather
Woman 1999 and 2nd runner up for International Ms. Leather 1999.
She enjoys just about any form of play that makes a bottom squirm
and writhe.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Berkeley, Ca
Mon. 7/7, 8pm to 10pm
Class: Advanced Aural Sex
At Good Vibrations
Bring the magic of Shaherazade to the bedroom to turn-on you and
your lover! Midori can help you find ways to enhance the power of
your voice to raise the heat. You'll practice sure-fire erotic voice
usage, techniques to evoke desire, emotional and physical reaction,
and ways to encourage deeper fantasy for greater intimacy.
She'll even share tips on working towards causing orgasm with your
voice alone. If you've attended Midori's Basic Aural Sex class or
you've just had a lot of practice at home, this workshop will help
increase your vocal sexual skills.
Cost: $25
Location: 2504 San Pablo Ave at Dwight Way, Berkeley Ca 94702
Tel: 510-841-8987
For more info http://www.goodvibes.com/
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Denver
Fri 7/11 to Sun 7/14
Classes and demo at Thunder in the Mountains
1. [Multi Bodied Bondage Sculpture]
Enter into Midori's dreams and fantasy made into reality. She'll
take pleasure in the flesh of many beautiful bottoms by weaving
them into her rope web. Come and witness an artful suspension of
several bodies... bound, flying, twisted, stretched, captured, entwined
and women together as a three dimensional tapestry of Midori's erotic
vision made flesh.
This is not a workshop nor lecture... You are being asked to participate
in her scene and creative process with your presence and energy.
Please be respectful, join in and open your eyes and your heart.
2. [Beyond Duality]
Midori kick up the dust again. Ever feel like you don't quite fit
in to the roles and terms commonly used in SM and kinky sex? Do
you have a vague discomfort at what seems to be a dualistic expectation
how we play? . . When are we a real top or real bottom? What is
your possible range of experience as a dominant or submissive? Have
you had a scene that leaves you vaguely unfulfilled? Do you question
how your desires fit your partners? In this unique class Midori
will show you a new way to look at your desire, question leather
conservatism. She will help you to investigate how to meet your
needs and your partner's needs and to find new ways to reach towards
a satisfying scene.
Check for times and details at http://www.thunderinthemountains.com/
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Winnipeg, Canada
Sat. 7/19, 9-11 p.m., social after
Class:
Predicament Bondage
DsSM Lecturer Series
Here's a class for fun-loving, wicked tops and for bottoms who enjoy
a challenge. Predicament bondage creates a situation where the bottom
is 'between a rock and a hard place.' Whichever direction the bottom
moves has consequences, either physical or psychological. It can
challenge your endurance, your pain threshold, or your pride. The
class will include several demos, and you may have an opportunity
to volunteer for one. If you're a service bottom or an escape artist,
you may get a new challenge!
http://www.dssm.org/midori.htm
for more information
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Teaser on classes and events further down the summer... (See calendar
at http://www.fhp-inc.com/
for more info )
8/1 to 8/2 Washington DC at The Crucible
8/4 to 8/10 Czech Republic, Other World Kingdom
9/3 San Francisco QSM
9/12 to 9/14 Fort Lauderdale, Florida
9/19 to 9/21 St. Louis
9/23 San Francisco, Good Vibrations
9/27 San Jose, Folsom Fringe
9/28 San Francisco, Folsom Street Fair
_________________________________
P.
S. If you want to catch the archives of eNewletters, read some articles
I've written or check my travel schedule, just drop by the Fire
Horse Productions, Inc site at http://www.fhp-inc.com/
To go to the calendar directly click here
Thanks for reading another installment of my eNewsletter!
I'd love to hear your thoughts on it. Drop me a line at my new discussion
group (free) on my rope bondage site BeautyBound.com
or my yahoo
group if you want to vent, rant or share on this or any other
kink/sex topic.
If
there's something that you want to see in my newsletters, please
let me know that too.
Midori
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